I'm not that smart. Those of you who know me, recognize that last statement as being totally unnecessary and offering up little more than confirmation. I don't mean to imply that I'm an idiot, I just know that being smart is not, and never has been, a strength of mine or a way of describing me. I'm a lot of things- many of them good: a modestly talented drummer, quick-witted, loyal, trusting (to the point of gullible), kind and generous and, according to my wife, a great husband and father. But smart rarely makes the list. When it does, it usually comes from a recent acquaintance. In life I shoot for wisdom and hope to land somewhere in the vicinity of sensible.
Yet I somehow managed to marry someone who actually views me as a leader, not just as someone who is expected to be one. I constantly find myself amazed at this predicament. How in the world did I end up in the driver's seat with three kids in the back and a wife who manages to stay home on my teacher's salary? I still make faces at myself in the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth- at what age does that stop? Jessica is smarter than me in just about every area I can think of from finances on. Smarter and wiser. Still, she trusts me to lead.
So, like all ill-equipped leaders, I have stepped up and led us...
into the wilderness.
Literally. We live in the wilderness. By choice-mostly mine.
It's a long story that doesn't look good on paper. Many times over the course of this decision, Jessica would say to me, "You're going to have to do all the explaining to people about this move because when I share it with people it just sounds like a really bad idea."
I'll try to be brief.
Two years ago I began feeling a tug. I thought it over for about 6 months before deciding it was ridiculous so I dropped it. A few months later the tugging came back and wouldn't quit. My friend Bart told me that for months it was all I talked about in every conversation we had. The tug was this- I wanted more time with my family, and I felt like that was supposed to happen here- in the wilderness. From the very beginning it seemed to have a very God-inspired feel to it, but it made little to no sense. At the advice of a friend, I decided to pray about it. And I really did. I prayed- a lot. There was prayer, reading and seeking in the Word followed by more prayers and counsel-seeking. Many times I asked to be released from it all- it scared me, tormented me and seemed ridiculous. There was no small amount of weeping on my part (that's for you, Adam). I won't bother with more details. I'm not here to convince anyone. What's there to convince? We're already here.
In the end it came down to this- I decided to trust that it wasn't just in my head, but that the Lord really was trying to stretch me. Something I'd asked him to do sometime back and then forgot about. Considering that I fit every qualification of people in the Bible who had no business doing anything of consequence, I never should have prayed that prayer. But that's just it. If this works out to be good for my family, no one is going to accuse me of being smart enough to have pulled this off. If this adventure works out (in whatever way that looks like) it'll only be because the Lord is sovereign. Given the vessel, He is sure to get all the credit- which He should.
I've never made a harder decision that was so hard for so many. My children go back and forth between being happy and wishing to go home. My wife struggles to feel at home in a home that is neither hers nor mine. She misses friends and family daily. My in-laws, God love 'em, have given up having us 20 minutes away to having us 4 hours away. Truth be told, they've given up far more than that. The closest of friends have agreed to watch us go and even manage to support us- though deep down it hurts to do so.
And then there's me. It seems unfair, but I feel like I'm having a renaissance. I come home energized and have bonded with my wife and kids more in the past few months than I feel I have in the last five years. I hope they see it that way too. I don't think it's the wilderness, but just the fact that we've been stripped of everything and everyone and are left with just us. For me, this is something I've been craving. A better man would've done this while living in the metroplex- five minutes from church, leading a life group, fully invested in the lives of close friends and family. But I'm not that better man.
I would like to believe I'm just a guy who's trying to listen and trying to lead.
I believe the Lord is in this. I don't know how or in what way, but I believe Him to be the one who orders my steps and trust that I am not capable of undoing his ultimate will. I'm neither smart enough nor dumb enough to do that.
We may stay, or we may go back. I don't really care which of those things happens- there really is no scenario that I envision as being a "win." To me winning came with submitting and saying yes when I felt He was pushing me to step out and lead no matter how ridiculous it might look. In that moment, I was proud of myself. Not the ugly look what I can do pride but more proud that I could honestly say I was trusting that He would be there when I needed him.
Hosea 6:3 says that we should press on to acknowledge Him and that He will appear.
And I'm counting on that. My family is counting on that.
